the invitation:

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

--Oriah Mountain Dreamer, Indian Elder

no joke.

stevie nicks, an overweight amazon woman, and a white witch all walk into a bar....




seriously, you can not make this stuff up...you just have to be there.

cheap-ass tooth fairy!

sunday afternoon before emma was due to start her week with me she finally was able to part with her loose tooth. it was her first.
she proudly smiled and gave me the envelope marked 'tooth' and hopped in the car....being sure to tell me that the tooth fairy would be paying her a visit while she slept.
the next morning, upon awakening, emma slowly reached under her pillow and pulled out an old, whethered, stale one dollar bill.
her response..."awh...JUST a dollar??!!"

it was all i could do to not tell her how it was in my day....i always promised myself i would never do that....and it is gonna be tough!

university of life

what if.....

when you are born you receive the only test question you will ever need to answer correctly, and the day you die will be the day you have to answer it.
the question is...."did you love?"

did you wholy love humanity....the begger, the millionaire, the silent, the evangelical, the terrorist, the theif, the selfish, the giving, the ignorant?
did you give your love to the muslim, the christian, the atheist, the buddhist, the jew, and everyone in between?
did you love those that doubted, those that scoffed, those that hated, those that killed, those that preyed on children, those that wept?
did you love those that were different than you...different nationality, different color, different political affiliation, different sexual orientation, different differences?
did you love those that needed it the most...the sick, the needy, the hungry, the weak, the tired?

if this is the question we must all answer (and i think it may be), then we ALL have a bunch of work to do.

the journeyman

he is no longer a student,
but a journeyman...
of his feelings.
never a master,
for there has,
and will be...
only one.

to understand this trade,
is a profitable notion.
being aware of when,
why and how,
where and to what extent,
the peices all...
fit together.

it becomes his thought process,
his mindset,
his way of life,
effortless in hindsight,
and it serves him well.
it is who he has become,
and always,
needed to be.
working between...
the master,
and the student.

fate's choices 5.19.97 (written from the rim of the grand canyon)

why do i sit and wonder?
what is going on here...
what is happening to me...
what will happen to us all?

patience is a supposed virtue,
all too misunderstood.
'they' always say, 'time will tell',
but 'they' are wrong.
i can tell time, but time won't speak...
it only shows.

relax
breathe
soak in all of life's
coincidences.
appreciate the ones that have
a guiding hand...
in my life.

thank them, pray for them, love them....
and know they truly care
from every inch of their nonbeing.

and never forget to love.

journal entry 5.11.97-6:45 pm (hitchhiking on route 66)

walked three hours. no ride- my back hurts, my legs hurt, my soul hurts- maybe a bus ride?

Heyburn lake-
NEVER WILL I GO BACK AGAIN!!!!!!!!
met eric storen there and as you can see i don't think much of him.(he was the first REAL crazy person i've ever met!) our first ride, and he was absolutely, certifiably nuts! white aryian resistance-kid killer-baby flesh eater-mad man.
other than that, the day was a long hot walk. we were the freaks.

well, might crash. now it's 11:45 pm. we have enough water for cooking oatmeal for breakfast-WATER-TOP PRIORITY!

3.12.95 crazy

the day is full of different thoughts.
so utterly, completely, totally different.
for every million complexities
that enter in a day,
a reaction or thought
must come from each.

throw in your problems from your past.
the ones that have been there
for awhile.
even the ones that you receive
with every new thought.
the present....
data.
the past....
old data.
new old data.

the future is something else.
with it comes new thoughts.
those which will
complicate your already
busy present,
and will clutter your already
full past.
never ending
and what a beautiful rush
it seems to be.

6.26.93 do you want to know?

pass them by in a hustle.
paying no attention to the childlike frail hands
that are reaching out.
crying for a stronghold.
something to rest their bodies on.
something to keep them alive.

try.
try to depend on only yourself.
evil sways your training...
your thoughts.
possess the good of your soul.
see it clear now?

your goodness deepens the soul.
fullness explodes inside me
while i die for knowledge.
supreme knowledge
of myself
of my thoughts
of my soul.

touch me and feel it.
and think of it often...
but do not forget.
(i do not want you to pass it by)
you must believe if you want to get
through the fog.
you must take hold...
never letting go. then free yourself
release your soul and the energy will become.
goodnight.

a new day greets you.
respond IN it!
a way of individual reckoning,
as part of a whole awakening.
do you see?

imagine it.
the day is gone.
yesterday a waste beyond doubt.
faith has passed through the bowels of it...
the "system".
they destroyed what was once...
all you ever had.

second chances are scorned in this world.
there is no tomorrow here.
act up loud.
but hear me clearly.
someday,
"IT" is all you may ever have.

5.30.93 my road to where i am, and will be

deep inside calls out my name...
but speaks of a passion.
one of freedom.
inexclusive beauty.
reckless wonder.
pondering tomorrow as it were yesterday.
asking for help. unnoticed.
yet not untouched.
fill my soul with IT.
what, may i ask, are you doing to me?
opening.
closing.
heartaches close to death.
too close for much good...
and far from hell.
down and troubled. all i ask...
is for your love.
comfort care and dissolve me...
wonder caress and worry about
my silly dispositions.
please do not run.
for i promise a lack of pain.
fall and i will catch you...
i promise.

it all must end in 9

1, 2, 3....
spaces in between...4 and 5
more spaces equals 9.
a square is 9...
when i count it.
it is there,
but you must want it.
and even poems
can be crafted to end
in 19....counting space.

5.10.93 tonight

coming closer to me from there,
leaving me from here.
scared, reluctant, pulsing heart...
what is to be said?
hate.
love.
will it flow in disfunctional direction?
or will it swirl
in a whirlpool of destruction?
sporadically scattered on varying levels.
who can ever answer questions
such as these but your god?
do i even try to compete
with the all-knowing bitch?
bitch of school.
learned.
overwhelming.
powerful.
why me?
will it be what i think i want?
hell is too close.
heaven?
i may not wait forever.
i just want a small taste
for savoring.
just one time.
for myself.

my one true love

emma said to me..."if you were god, you would be a tree, or grass, or the sky, or the clouds, or the sun."

lesson i learned: step outside of myself and truly listen to what my daughter speaks of.....for she is wiser than me.

'I and Love and You'

The words 'i' and 'love' and 'you' are the watermark of humanity. Strung together, they convey our deepest sense of humility, of power, of truth. It is our most common sentiment, even as the feeling of it is so infinitely uncommon; each to proclaim these three words with his or her own heart and mindset of reason (or lack thereof); a proclamation completely and perfectly new each time it is offered. Uttered daily and nightly by millions, the words are said in an unending array of circumstances: whispered to the newborn in a new mother's arms; shared between best friends on the playground; in the form of sympathy-said by a girl to a boy, as the respect continues but the relationship does not. It is said too loudly by parents to embarrassed children in the company of their friends, and by grown children-to their fading parents in their hospital beds. The words are thought in the company of the photograph and said in the company of the gravestone. It is how we end our phone call and our letters...the words at the bottom of the page that trump all those above it, a way to gracefully finish a message, however important or trivial, with the most meaningful gift of all: the communication of love. And yet the words have been the victims of triviality, a ready replacement for lesser salutations among near strangers, burst forth casually as 'love you.' Truly? To what degree? Why, how much, and for how long? These are questions befitting the stature of love, though not everyday banter of vague acquaintance. The words have also been twisted by the dark nature of deceit; to say 'I love you' with a dramatic measure of synthetic emotion; a snare set by those who prey upon fellow humanity, driven to whatever selfish end, to gain access to another's body, or their money, or their opprotunity. In this realm, the proclamation is disgraced by one seeking to gain rather than to give. In any case, and by whatever inspiration, these words are woven deeply into the fibers of our existence. Our longing to hear them from the right place is maddeningly and simultaneously our finest strength and our most gentle weakness. The album 'I and Love and You' is unashamedly defined by such a dynamic of duality. As living people, we are bound by this unavoidable parallel. We are powerful yet weak, capable yet temporary. Inevitably, an attempt to place honesty within an artistic avenue will follow suuit. This is a piece which shows us as we are: products of love surrounded by struggle. The music herein is, in many ways, readable as both a milestone and an arrival. A chapter in the story of young men, it bridges the space between the uncertainty of youth and the reality of its release. The record is full with the quality of question and response. As far as questions go, there are plenty-normally residing within the tone and delivery of the lyrics themselves, which, ironically, are sung with so much confidence. Among songs and thoughts so driven and purposeful, the most basic and relatable doubt comes through with a resounding clarity. Outside of the eternal theme of romantic love, the album speaks thankfully upon a landscape of light-filled rooms, word-filled pages, time macines, forgivness, singing birds, ocean waves, art, change, confessions of shortcommings, and reasons to continue on. Hope and a cause for smiling follow naturally. In the midst of all this, there are allusions to the less-than-ideal conditions of life: loss of memory, the inability to control temper, insecurity, indecision, jaded indifference, and the general plague of former and current weakness. 'I and Love and You' is an album of obvious human creation, characterized by its best and its worst. Emotional imperfection is a reality for those who recorded the piece, just as for those who will hear it. The conclusion of the song from which the title is taken admits that the words 'I love you' have become 'hard to say.' And perhaps that difficulty is as common as its counterpart. Perhaps the inability to say these heaviest of words is as much a part of life as the lighthearted candor of those who say them without any difficulty at all. And so it ends with the phrase whispered to and by those of us most defeated and most elated....I and love and you.

The Avett Brothers-

4.25.93 our park

when the sounds of the world
crash around my still heart
escape is
my space
silence, birds, roar (upset me)
feelings of solitude
interrupted by harsh obvious realities
clouds, sky, feelings, cry.
enormousity of life
swells around me
good, evil, beautiful
societies press...and press
without the thought of peace.
that is where i am.
kindness, nature, songs, and sky
harsh, mechanical, loud
they all surround me
forming the world where i am.
fly away
sing to me
sleeping
motionless beauty
touch me and soar
around my soul
until yesterday
is tomorrow.

a gaze today

i think i saw you today.
i mean, i did.
what did you need?
to see me?
well, i think i saw you,
seeing me.

nice sweater.
pretty beige.
it looked old,
i mean, classic.
how does this work?

a smile too?
or a smirk at the kid?
eiter way, it looked easy.
i mean, good to know,
i still see beauty.

there was something.
that should have been said.
i just can not remember what.
i saw you looking at me.
it was nice to see,
again.

large mammal

i see an older gentleman at his house every once in a while on my way home from work. he is VERY large...extremly overweight. in the past week i have seen him numerous times laying in his driveway. he is working on things. he lays while he works on his leaf-blower....he lays while he paints his cabinet doors....he lays while he cleans his floormats. it is a sight to see all the things he needs to finish each job all organized neatly around him....paint trays and brushes, cleaners of all kinds, and tools...all within arms reach. i find it a little more than troublesome.

well, today i saw him in his front yard sitting in a chair raking leaves....a perfect rake-length semi-circle surrounding him (not to mention the other circles spaced throughout the yard causing a very crop-circle-like feel). i would like to think that maybe he has a condition other than extreme obesity halting his ability to do simple things....but for some reason, i feel that any condition he has is a direct result of his being a 500+ lb mammal. i have never seen such a thing, and i felt guilty for immediately thinking he needed to, at the VERY least, stand while raking.

ok, now that i have vented, i feel better....and skinnier than ever.

meditative pain transfer

as previously posted in this blog, i was in need of a tattitude adjustment.....and boy did i ever get it!

i went to see billy (my tattoo guru), and told him about my situation. i told him i was there to do a pain transfer...i was there to realease my internal pain caused by the loss of what i thought was my one true love.....but what i found out while being inked was far different an answer than i thought i was looking for.

i was warned by billy, 'if it was anybody else, i would charge an extra hundred bucks because this is a tender area, and you have to take a lot of breaks....i have had people cry.' perfect.....that was why i was there....for the physical pain to absorb the spiritual.

before he started, i closed my eyes and thought about my pain in the loss of my love. i visualized the anguish as a cloud inside me gathering up all the little bits of pain, from wherever they resided in my soul. i felt the cloud growing in mass...darkening like an ominous front tumbling and rolling over my plane. it came from my fingertips and toes, through my body, and out with every exhale...the storm was being released through my pain. i opened my eyes...it was 20 minutes later, and billy was done with the first one. what??? i had felt no pain!! it is NOT supposed to work like that...i needed to pay closer attention. (AND...typically i bleed duing the tat....but not a drop of blood was wiped. strange, i know.)

we changed seating arrangements, got settled into our places, and i closed my eyes being sure to pay attention to the pain. i relaxed my fingers in anticipation of pain. the very fingers that the storm had just rolled...i saw my heart open as the sun and breeze gently disbursed the remaining bits of clouds...i felt life become clearer to me as the light strengthend my vision. i felt my purpose to love in the fiber of my skin and in the clearing of my spirit. and once again, i opened my eyes and he was done. no pain...no blood.

when i walked out of there i was complete. i had found the peace that was missing for so long. i grew into a lighter and wiser creature of spirit....i welcome my need to give of real, honest, open and genuine love....and will keep showing it until i find the one truly ready to return it completly. i had been willing and able to walk a million miles to love and show myself completly, and i walked back an even stronger being.

i am learning every time i love.....and i love to learn!
i am ready to begin my next lesson....
and i am still ready to teach when needed.


(my arms sure did hurt the next day though!)

i am getting a new tattitude.

in previous trials of life i have found a great way for me to overcome spiritual vexes....i tattoo something symbolic on my person as a reminder. i need reminders.

when i look at my most recent tattoos on both forearms (see pic ↑), i am reminded that outward expressions of anger are prohibited....no hitting a pillow, no exercise, no yelling, no 'venting'....those, to me, are just practicing anger. (what happens the day none of your 'release options' are available?) i am MUCH more aware of my feelings and their power over the mind due to my visual reminders. they remind me that in order to be what i believe is truly human, i must know what my anger is about, what part of my soul it comes from, accept it, appreciate it (for it is teaching a lesson in self), and then change it to love as an outward expression. it is difficult sometimes, and i do not always have a completly successful implementation....but i am ALWAYS aware when and where i am not succeeding. it is a great reminder....and it works well for me.

well...it is time (at 6:00 pm central time zone, tomorrow!) for another....two.

the next one(s) is a reminder to stay true to love...no matter what! it is a reminder to stay open with my soul, and never suppress ANY of the love i have to give. it was originally intended to be a symbol for my most recent love, and in order to greet (with a smile) the pain i feel through the demise of said love...i am destined to get it now...for me. for me to accept that my love was not enough last time. for me to remember to never be afraid of loving that wholy again. for me to give to a new love...wherever she may be right now. please do not get me wrong...it meant the world to me not too long ago...but it will mean even more to have it just for me...and then the day i feel safe sharing the meaning of it with a new love...well...that will be the day that i was born to have.

just as i type this i am beginning to feel the thick air rise from my lungs...i am beginning to hear the trees saying beautiful things again...i feel the energy......and i am excited to start my newest journey.....loving.

a willing dupe

a 'dupe' is defined as 'a person who is easily deceived or fooled'. that is me....and it is a wonderful attribute to have...but only if it is willing. it means you believe in people...what they tell you....what they write....how they act.....and how they just are. unless of course they are a mask-wearer and putting on a beautiful show. i have met many, but the most recent put on a EXTRASPECTACULARIFFIC show....the best i have ever seen!

please allow me to share what i have learned in my most recent encounter...in list form, of course.

-i learned that it is worth being yourself even when others are not.

-i learned an equation...

slow reveals of other people's true nature/time + your own giving = pain.

-i learned that as long as you are true to all people (including yourself), then any pain received by fakeness will be dwarfed by the love you were able to give...even if for just a brief moment in time.

-i learned that i am more confident to remain myself and grow at the same time.

-i learned that the signs we see are more of a suggestion than they are law.

-i learned that while i get to remain the real me, the other person gets to live with who they are (which is no prize), or they can change (which is harder than anything they have ever attempted...i would know!).

-i learned that i will still choose my daughter over anything.

-i learned that some people can write beautiful things without being fully aware of how others may perceive them....and how it may affect them.

-i learned that the people that are truly themselves with me are lucky beyond belief, for i have much to offer.

-i learned that i would not take back a second of my unconditional love, even now, knowing that the love returned was given under false pretense.

-i learned that there is much for me to do in this life, and i am going to keep doing it truthfully, respectfully, soulfully, and lovingly.....no matter what.


so...i will gladly be the 'willing dupe' because even when you get hurt you still get to be yourself....not that other lost soul.

sleep runner

wakes after sleeping.
tired.
been running.
ran circles.
around dreams.
without taking.
conscious breath.
running.
no finish line.
they will catch.
for sure.
they catch.
wakes tired.
stressed.

those chasing.
wickedness and evil.
bring closer.
to hear.
"free of pain"
"do anything"
"stop giving"
and runs.
into self.
once.
interesting.

hear them coming.
runs.
runs in.
out of rooms.
opening doors.
never knocked.
but were.
open.
running again.

sometimes runs.
hard falls.
they catch.
scary.
it hurts.
chew him.
see wounds.
invisible wounds.
not really.
escape.
grip around throat.
runs.
and runs.

excercising dreams.
little strength.
real world.
hear them chasing.
always there.
always run.
think of none.
places to hide.

woke dead.
never looked back.
they beat.
took from.
never looked back.
sores were many.
painful.
finished running.
done.
done.
running.

a list of life

many great thinkers have written a list of life much like this. i am NOT one of them. these are just observations of myself, and what it means to me to live life. i have tried hard to adopt these simple items into my 'be'-ing, but as a human, i fail more often than not...but i just keep trying.

- love is worth fighting for.
- if you live life while loving it, it will repay you numerous times over.
- when traveling down the road, if you stare too long at where you have been and where you are heading, you will certainly lose sight of your guides. pay attention!
- do not quit.
- be nice!
- try to remember to give your best at all times.
- breathe deep as often as possible...and listen to it.
- hug as many people as you can..daily.
- smile when you wake up.
- be wisely vulnerable.
- love someone with everything you have.
- let go of anger.
- eat vegetables.
- have a pet....once.
- laugh at yourself...outloud....and often.
- love the children...they ALL deserve it.
- think about what you say, and imagine how it will make the receiver feel. if it is gonna hurt them, either do not say it, or spin it to make it hurt less.
- tell the people that you love that you love them...they may not know.
- do not be afraid to love...it really is easy once you let go of all the shit.
- appreciate nature.
- there are no excuses...only reasons.
- learn to send as much energy as possible to as many people as possible...all while not depleting your own.
- be honest to yourself and others.
- use good manners.
- cry when needed...do not hide.
- dance alone or with a partner...just do it.
- share your toys.
- make eye contact with people when talking to them.
- step outside your box now and then.
- give more than you get.
- do not hoard money...other people need it.
- think of others first.

there are so many more, but i must continue my evening....maybe i will add some more at a later date.....but probably not.
so...anyway.....i love you....i truly do.

leading (a poem for Her)

this is a poem that i had sent April 26 at 8:12pm....

when i thought she would never see me...

...but she did.

leading

once his eyes had healed,

from the burns of an acid tongue,

he started to see again.

it was a long tired road to travel...

alone.

he marveled at his first sights,

the earth he had felt before,

slowly becoming 'visible' again.

it all filled his longingly empty soul almost...

full

his newfound sight made everything,

new smells,

tastes,

and could finally,

hear his heart on the outside.

it was all so much, and yet not...

enough.

what was he looking for that was not,

already right in front of him,

what was it he was still longing?

it was a lack of love for his honest...

soul.

the search had begun for him,

to find the muse that his heart,

was leading him to.

it was presented so lovingly with lone...

condition.

he was told,

as much as he could care,

the muse was unattainable,

and was not,

in need of the soul of man.

it was this condition that left him...

wanting.

his path stopped at the edge of her soul,

while her path surrounded him in circle,

with many tributaries leading her else.

it was the only way, perfectly...

imperfect.

it was almost a half life to arrive,

and he was so tired of traveling,

with no shoes on the troubled path.

it was she who gave him the lift...

away.

he had been led,

and carried,

and taught what was purpose,

he was looking for her,

not her looking for him.

it is the muse that flies

while we only...

run.

and so she flew...

and he followed on foot...

never able to catch her...

but new eyes...

never lost her...

from his sight...

I Want You by Arthur L Gillom

I want you when the shades of eve are falling

no siphoning required

my well runs so deep for you,
for the valves have been stuck,
in the 'on' position,
for a long week.

i am no teacher,
but if you learn,
from my learning,
then class was a success.

your envy is not that at all,
it is the female call from your soul,
mimicking the male call,
that has been keeping me awake at night.

silly...no
the rack...not even close
what you are...
is the song i sing,
body made from earth,
in its most perfect form,
a gift to us all from this energy that cares.

my vision is strengthening,
my body trembles with thoughts of tomorrow,
and my soul is growing so strong...
so strong...
with you,
for you,
and forever beside you.

the miles i have traveled

when i couldn't retrieve my tryke,
from the middle of the road,
i was not allowed to go there and,
it was a million miles away.

when i walked to school,
that first day of many,
i was so very scared because,
it was a million miles away.

when i found my first,
love of my life i thought,
the drive to bedsheet love,
it was a million miles away.

when i was alone,
at my first college,
i was independently happy that,
it was a million miles away.

when later love,
begged for my soul,
i gave it and it was lost,
it was a million miles away.

and now i am older,
my mind sleeps and my soul,
dreams of tomorrow and,
it is a million miles away.

and then i wake to find,
those millions of miles walked,
dreamed,
loved,
caressed,
freed and found,
are right in front of my feet,
once again....

a short for jenny

And as he walked the jagged gravel path through the trees, a soft fog surrounded, hugged, and caressed him. He wandered for what seemed a thousand lifetimes, always hungry, but maneuvering the fates, just enough in his favor, to allow for a morsel of sweet to sustain him for one more life. His journey had been long, and he paused for one brief moment to rest his weary body. While evaluating the path he had traveled, he drifted into a deep sleep that allowed for a dream......

His dream was blindingly vivid and full of loving wonderment, but it seemed that it was the same road that had only, moments before, broken his stride. In the distance he saw only shadows lurking in and out of the fabric-like sheets of fog. Unimaginably calm, as if being led hand-in-hand by a mother, he approached the figures. He had already traveled what seemed to be a million miles, but his exhausted body started to feel fresh and alive. As he approached, he began to decipher the once ominous shadows, and out of the layered fog glided three sirens...all clad in silken flowing robes made of eternal swatches. No hem. No stitching. Complete and flowing grace in human form.

And he peacefully asked them, "Why are you in my dream?", to which they replied in beautifully symphonic form, "We are not in your dream. It is our dream for you, and we have brought you here to tell you the truth."
"If this is your dream for me", he said, "Why have I not been born with the truth?" The sirens seemed amused with his naked humanity. And they said.....
"We bore you with the truth inside, but you have chosen to ignore it. We taught you how to love lifetimes ago, but you chose bitterness over sweet. We have brought you to this dream, and disguised it to mimic your old reality, so that you may live in the life of love we have planned for you...but this time you must hear us clearly."
Shaken by their power, he spoke humbly and softly...almost silent, "I want for the truth and grace......forever", and he closed his eyes for fear of showing his embarassment from ignorance and tears.The sirens lovingly dried his tears with one united gentle breath, placed their hands romantically on his chest, and in unison spoke three small words...it was the truth he had longed for, "Open your eyes."

And he did.

why did i listen?

if you were locked in a room where everyday someone comes in to tell you that you are stupid, eventually you would believe it. the mind is only so strong.

if you gave and never received, you could tell yourself that eventually it would turn around, but it rarely does. people are people.

if you trusted with every fiber of your being, and suddenly that trust was broken, you are expected to do it again someday. regardless of whether you can.

if it was never good enough, but you tried anyway...your soul would slowly become exhausted, and may not return the same. damaged goods.

if old hates come to your door and start knocking loudly, ignoring them will not make them go away. they just knock louder.

if you find love again after giving, trusting, loving, and hating, things will still prove difficult. more trials. more tests.

if you listened when you were being abused, it is hard to recognize that others are not like that. or maybe they are.

if you ask too many questions, you get too many answers. some of which you really did not want the answers to. some you do.

if you stay inside too long, you may forget what it is like on the outside. internal vs external. good vs evil. love vs hate.

if you listened to her then your life will never be the same. good or bad. deal with it. harsh but true.

what is 'it'?

i found 'it'.
'it' became me.
'me' became you.
'you' became me.
'we' became us.
'us' became 'it'.
'it' is it.

no more tomorrow...
no more yesterday...
only now...
only us...
only 'it'.

easy.
simple.
us.
'it'.

is that an icecube?

i was maybe 17, but probably 16....i was home from a night, more than likely, filled with stupid high school crap, and had probably smoked a bowl or two (which should qualify as 'stupid high school crap', but does not, due to my habbit long thereafter...).
coming home in that state was always a bit of a chore....i had a mother that, as far as i knew, never slept when i was 'out'....she may have pretended, but i really do not think she ever slept (and only now, as a father, do i 'get it'!).
so, overly cautious (aka paranoid), i parked in the street, going so far as to coast into place, and even kept the button depressed on my emergency brake as i raised it to avoid the annoyingly loud click click click click, click.....click! then came the 'shut-the-door-without-really-shutting-it' technique...slow to close....once it touches car....stop....press gently with hip until click (so much clicking!).
and here is the part that is a bit sketchy....i am not wearing shoes for some reason....?
at the back door to the house....the easiest one to enter....i oh-so-slowly start to put my key in the door, without so much as turning on the porch light, which proved to be a big mistake...as i am standing there i feel an icecube on the door mat. ahhh perfect treat to feel on a hot arkansas summer night...just sliding in and out of my toes...so cool...so moist....fondling it like a new found love with a foot fetish....

and that was when reason stepped in with a series of internal questions...

'hey dan, it is hot out here...why is that icecube not melting?'
'hey dan, what the fuck is an icecube doing on the back porch at 12:30 a.m.?'
'hey dan, where the hell are your shoes?'

so......i turned on the light, all the while still fondling my new friend.....i looked down....and being lovingly caressed between my big toe and his neighbor....






was a fucking slug....
i almost threw up.

liquid silk

it was his first encounter
with suchness.
driving and driving and looking
looking....
he stoped when he knew
he was there.
and when the sun hit just right
he spied a fisure.
it was a maintained slope and
cupped hand of god.
passionately felt at home
in this liquid silk...
he drank it,
he lathered it,
he crawled in it.
he washed his entire being
with it.
it was his destiny to find,
and be led to it.
secure and easy and well,
and was momentarily
perfectly perfect.

the triangle is symbiotic...

by definition symbiotic means 'mutually dependent'....it makes me think of the triangle....and the importance of the number three. i hasten to delve into the occurences of the number three throughout history and the present, so for now, it is only mentioned for it's significance to the triangle...

wherever there is a confluence of energy between three objects, that said energy flows in a triangle....and when conditions are just right, the energy does not flow clockwise, counter-clockwise, or in a jumbled mass mess, but instead, flows in a sonic speed 'to-and-fro'...overlapping, absorbed into energy traveling the other direction, and finally injected to its recipient.....all in a split moment of time....all in the form of a triangle.

the triangle is an extremely strong shape...no matter how far you obtousely or accutely stretch it, as long as the end points are strong, the energy has a direct line to the receiver...i find it quite interesting, to say the absolute least....that each point on the triangle is, at that moment, mutually dependent of one another. it is something to behold...

life is like eating the ass end of a taco...

so things are going great for you...you are focused on the road ahead, you are working hard, you are playing it smart, and you are thinking that you have just about got it....that is when real life starts falling out all around you.....it is the taco of life! please let me explain...

when eating a taco, you get all your fixings in order...the meat of the taco, the refried beans, lettuce, onion, tomato, plenty of cheese. you may even put on a little salsa to spice it up, or maybe even some sour cream to cool it off a bit. now you take a bite of all those wonderful flavors combining to form this explosion of taste....kinda like life.

your world is the shell...sometimes hard...sometimes soft....self explanitory. the meat is the basic substance that supports you...your job...your family....love...etc. the refried beans (aka friends)are the glue that help to keep life together, and they also help keep the meat of life in place....perfectly grounded to the shell. lettuce, onion, and tomato are the basic fixins...sometimes you have more of one than the other, and sometimes you eliminate one all together...they are your daily/weekly/monthly lists...sometimes they get done, sometimes they do not...but either way, life goes on. and life, or the taco, would not be complete without cheese...and lots of it! and like the shell, cheese is fairly self explanitory...cheese is the smile...ya know, like, "say cheese!"...(thats where the saying comes from). salsa is the additive that packs a little kick...pick a thrill...any thrill. and sour cream being the coolness that is just as mild in taste as it is in color...it is a filler....

now, so far, we have built a taco (life), but we have yet to dive in...so you take a bite and everything seems ok, another, and another, always being careful to get just the right mix of your favorite flavors. there are a few constants...there is always a bit of shell, meat, and beans. the others are there to keep things mixed up and fresh. BUT WAIT!....what is happening here?...some of the "toppings" are starting to fall out the ass end of life...or taco, if you will. you must take your life, turn it around and try to eat the ass end of it before it hits the floor...you followin me? once this is done you should be ok, but then it happens again...the "toppings" of life start spilling out what was once the front, but is now the ass end! so you turn life around again to keep it from spilling out all over the floor.....

you may have to turn your taco around and eat the ass end of it many times in one sitting, but just do not ever let it hit the floor....if it does, you only have five seconds to pick it up! (or ten in my house!)

what it means to be a father....

being a father means that i am responsible for the future of this world,
teaching my daughter her role in the awakening.
being daddy means that i will always be regarded highly,
and i find that i must never give reason for other.
being a dad means that i must remain calm in the most tense of situations,
so that my daughter can be comfortable at those times.
being a father means that i, only now, know what it means to love,
with everything that i am, and will ever become.
it means that i am responsible for keeping her as innocent as i can,
while teaching her what strength really means.
being dad means i will never be first in my thoughts,
and will trade pride in self for pride in her.
it means that i will forever be in love,
and will always be loved back.

biggie size me!

it has been months, perhaps even a year, since i witnessed humanity at such a lesser moment of triumph. the story went like this...

i pulled up behind a car at the drive-thru at one of my all-time favorite-crappy-food places to eat...Wendy's. the protagonist and antagonist were all wrapped up, and spillin out of the body of a 70+ year old woman....confused, semi conscious, shaky, and yelling, i presume, so she could hear herself....she was 'asking' for the ''biggie size'' as my car came to a stop 21" behind her. the voice in the microphone said back, in a calm, strictly by the book, "you have to order something first, ma'am", and that is when i knew i had come across something special....perhaps even future blog-worthy! the orderer then said something that resembled, "well gal dang all i want is the biggie size!", to which the microphone said back "we only biggie size the meals and/or some of the items on the value menu....ma'am! (sarcastic ma'am!) "well just give me how much you would give to the biggie size if i ordered the fries off the value thingie, and i will give you 39 cents!!!, said the orderer. "BUT MA'AM, YOU HAVE TO ORDER! (and slightly muffled i hear, "jim, can you do this? this god damn nutbag wants to order the difference between regular size and biggie size!")

SOOOOOO, jim gets on the horn and says..."may i help you?"......and you know what?......it happend all over again......almost verbatum!

i went to mcdonalds.

IF by Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream-and not make dreams your master;
If you can think-and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn after they are all gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold On";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings-nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run-
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And-which is more-you'll be a Man, my son!

love is a four letter word....

it is my experiences that have led me to believe that we should start categorizing the word love right along side shit, fuck, cunt, damn, and piss! we polite humans feel a tad of anxeity when we utter those words in public, and the responses we get, in the looks from bystanders, is equal in each...maybe a little harsher look when you use 'cunt'...it's a pretty bad one. i have seen people look so surprised when they hear someone say 'i love you', and i find that more than slightly troublesome.
have we, as humans, forgotten what it means? are we scared that if someone says it to us that we have some moral obligation to say it in return? is it a sign of weakness to put yourself out there, all vulnerable and open...just waiting for the receiver of such words to pounce on the opprotunity to crush us at our most open of moments? let me address all those questions...

#1- when i say 'i love you', it means that i accept who you are as an individual, i accept what 'we' are together, and i want all good things for you....it does NOT mean that i want to spend my life with you (if being said to a woman), it does not mean that i am a homosexual (if being said to a man), and it is no way, shape, or form a pick up line.....love does not lead you to bed, at least not in the beginning.

#2- if i tell you 'i love you', i, in no way, expect it in return! that, to me, is not what love is all about. love is wanting someone else to feel great about themselves...it is about recognizing a person's exceptional traits and wanting them to know that you appreciate said traits to the fullest...it does not mean that i am 'in love' with you (that is a whole different blog)!

#3- only the truly strong will tell you 'i love you' with no worries of how you will take it...no worries of how you will react...and no worries about what it does to the future. you should be free when you say it.

saying 'i love you' is not something i do for myself...it is what i do for others....
say it, mean it, and live it....
and please believe in it....
i love you.

rules for 3-way calling (inspired by a pig)

Rule # 1- do NOT do it! (especially if you are high or drunk!!)
Rule #2- if you do do it (i love typing/saying do do), do it with 2 other people you love... a.k.a. cellular threesome.
Rule #3- talk in a round...start with caller #1, then #2, #3, and back to #1.
Rule #4- assign code names.
for example....caller #1- code name "what"
caller #2- code name "fuck you"
caller #3- code name "jesus christ"
Rule #5- since we can't all talk at once (i sure miss those land-lines), be patient...you can blow your proverbial wad quickly if you do not wait your turn in the threesome. (we all know how that's true!)

a sample phone conversation may go something like this...

caller (abrev. c) #1- "hey"
c #2- "hey"
c #3- "hey"
c #1- "what's up?"
c #2- "good to hear...but why are you talking about yourself?"
c #3- "what? i'm not"
c #1- "yeeessss?"
c #2- "what is going on here?"
c #3- "he's going on where?"
c #1- " no, i am 'what'."
c #2- "jesus christ!"
c #3- "what?"
c #1- "fuck you guys!"
c #2- "what? is it my turn to talk?"
c #3- "no! he is talking to me!"
c #1- "right! you guys aren't getting it...jesus christ you're stupid!"
c #2- "no, i am 'fuck you'!"
c #3- "jesus christ! this is rediculous!"
c #1- "YOU are jesus christ!"
c #2- "no i am fuck you!"
c #3- "jesus christ!!!!"
c #1- "you keep saying your own name!"
c #2- "what? no i don't!"
c #3- "fuck you!"
c #1- "no....i'm 'what'!"
c #2- "i know! why do you keep yelling? jesus christ you're an ass hole!"
c #3- "fuck you!"
c #1- "no, fuck you!"
c #2- "WHAT?!"
c #3- "goodbye."
c #1- "what was his problem?"
c #2- "his problem was what?"
c #1- "geeze, what a god complex."
c #1- "hello?"
c #1- "hello?"

no seriously.....

are you fuckin kidding me...or are you fuckin kidding yourself? its the age-old question of how we know eachother. or do we ever know one another? do we ever even know ourselves, or do we change second to second....never capable of truely living in the now....until we die?

OOOORRRRRR....we smile more and know that people are genuinely kind until some outside force turns them.

this blog will be filled with rants, raves, poems, thoughts, fuck you's, and fuck me's, but i will refuse to use foul language, so feel free to let that 10 yr old little boy or girl read it....hell, whats the harm? (you probably already lured them into your house with the promise of candy and turning them into a moviestar with a dirty rendition of tarzan! you sick-o)

there are going to be humorous posts, sad one's, ugly one's, and pretty one's. there will be more honesty here than you may be used to, although it may be slightly disguised to protect the guilty.
i missspell, i ramble, and i use these........................alot...............!

this is for me, not you, so if you do not like it do not worry about it...do not tell me....and do not return......we can still be cyber-friends though. i hope for everyone to be happy in this life and the next, so please do not take this TOO seriouslly, and know that it is all just gauze and ball-bearings nowadays!

i love you all......enjoy!