no joke.

stevie nicks, an overweight amazon woman, and a white witch all walk into a bar....




seriously, you can not make this stuff up...you just have to be there.

cheap-ass tooth fairy!

sunday afternoon before emma was due to start her week with me she finally was able to part with her loose tooth. it was her first.
she proudly smiled and gave me the envelope marked 'tooth' and hopped in the car....being sure to tell me that the tooth fairy would be paying her a visit while she slept.
the next morning, upon awakening, emma slowly reached under her pillow and pulled out an old, whethered, stale one dollar bill.
her response..."awh...JUST a dollar??!!"

it was all i could do to not tell her how it was in my day....i always promised myself i would never do that....and it is gonna be tough!

university of life

what if.....

when you are born you receive the only test question you will ever need to answer correctly, and the day you die will be the day you have to answer it.
the question is...."did you love?"

did you wholy love humanity....the begger, the millionaire, the silent, the evangelical, the terrorist, the theif, the selfish, the giving, the ignorant?
did you give your love to the muslim, the christian, the atheist, the buddhist, the jew, and everyone in between?
did you love those that doubted, those that scoffed, those that hated, those that killed, those that preyed on children, those that wept?
did you love those that were different than you...different nationality, different color, different political affiliation, different sexual orientation, different differences?
did you love those that needed it the most...the sick, the needy, the hungry, the weak, the tired?

if this is the question we must all answer (and i think it may be), then we ALL have a bunch of work to do.

the journeyman

he is no longer a student,
but a journeyman...
of his feelings.
never a master,
for there has,
and will be...
only one.

to understand this trade,
is a profitable notion.
being aware of when,
why and how,
where and to what extent,
the peices all...
fit together.

it becomes his thought process,
his mindset,
his way of life,
effortless in hindsight,
and it serves him well.
it is who he has become,
and always,
needed to be.
working between...
the master,
and the student.

fate's choices 5.19.97 (written from the rim of the grand canyon)

why do i sit and wonder?
what is going on here...
what is happening to me...
what will happen to us all?

patience is a supposed virtue,
all too misunderstood.
'they' always say, 'time will tell',
but 'they' are wrong.
i can tell time, but time won't speak...
it only shows.

relax
breathe
soak in all of life's
coincidences.
appreciate the ones that have
a guiding hand...
in my life.

thank them, pray for them, love them....
and know they truly care
from every inch of their nonbeing.

and never forget to love.

journal entry 5.11.97-6:45 pm (hitchhiking on route 66)

walked three hours. no ride- my back hurts, my legs hurt, my soul hurts- maybe a bus ride?

Heyburn lake-
NEVER WILL I GO BACK AGAIN!!!!!!!!
met eric storen there and as you can see i don't think much of him.(he was the first REAL crazy person i've ever met!) our first ride, and he was absolutely, certifiably nuts! white aryian resistance-kid killer-baby flesh eater-mad man.
other than that, the day was a long hot walk. we were the freaks.

well, might crash. now it's 11:45 pm. we have enough water for cooking oatmeal for breakfast-WATER-TOP PRIORITY!

3.12.95 crazy

the day is full of different thoughts.
so utterly, completely, totally different.
for every million complexities
that enter in a day,
a reaction or thought
must come from each.

throw in your problems from your past.
the ones that have been there
for awhile.
even the ones that you receive
with every new thought.
the present....
data.
the past....
old data.
new old data.

the future is something else.
with it comes new thoughts.
those which will
complicate your already
busy present,
and will clutter your already
full past.
never ending
and what a beautiful rush
it seems to be.

6.26.93 do you want to know?

pass them by in a hustle.
paying no attention to the childlike frail hands
that are reaching out.
crying for a stronghold.
something to rest their bodies on.
something to keep them alive.

try.
try to depend on only yourself.
evil sways your training...
your thoughts.
possess the good of your soul.
see it clear now?

your goodness deepens the soul.
fullness explodes inside me
while i die for knowledge.
supreme knowledge
of myself
of my thoughts
of my soul.

touch me and feel it.
and think of it often...
but do not forget.
(i do not want you to pass it by)
you must believe if you want to get
through the fog.
you must take hold...
never letting go. then free yourself
release your soul and the energy will become.
goodnight.

a new day greets you.
respond IN it!
a way of individual reckoning,
as part of a whole awakening.
do you see?

imagine it.
the day is gone.
yesterday a waste beyond doubt.
faith has passed through the bowels of it...
the "system".
they destroyed what was once...
all you ever had.

second chances are scorned in this world.
there is no tomorrow here.
act up loud.
but hear me clearly.
someday,
"IT" is all you may ever have.

5.30.93 my road to where i am, and will be

deep inside calls out my name...
but speaks of a passion.
one of freedom.
inexclusive beauty.
reckless wonder.
pondering tomorrow as it were yesterday.
asking for help. unnoticed.
yet not untouched.
fill my soul with IT.
what, may i ask, are you doing to me?
opening.
closing.
heartaches close to death.
too close for much good...
and far from hell.
down and troubled. all i ask...
is for your love.
comfort care and dissolve me...
wonder caress and worry about
my silly dispositions.
please do not run.
for i promise a lack of pain.
fall and i will catch you...
i promise.

it all must end in 9

1, 2, 3....
spaces in between...4 and 5
more spaces equals 9.
a square is 9...
when i count it.
it is there,
but you must want it.
and even poems
can be crafted to end
in 19....counting space.

5.10.93 tonight

coming closer to me from there,
leaving me from here.
scared, reluctant, pulsing heart...
what is to be said?
hate.
love.
will it flow in disfunctional direction?
or will it swirl
in a whirlpool of destruction?
sporadically scattered on varying levels.
who can ever answer questions
such as these but your god?
do i even try to compete
with the all-knowing bitch?
bitch of school.
learned.
overwhelming.
powerful.
why me?
will it be what i think i want?
hell is too close.
heaven?
i may not wait forever.
i just want a small taste
for savoring.
just one time.
for myself.

my one true love

emma said to me..."if you were god, you would be a tree, or grass, or the sky, or the clouds, or the sun."

lesson i learned: step outside of myself and truly listen to what my daughter speaks of.....for she is wiser than me.

'I and Love and You'

The words 'i' and 'love' and 'you' are the watermark of humanity. Strung together, they convey our deepest sense of humility, of power, of truth. It is our most common sentiment, even as the feeling of it is so infinitely uncommon; each to proclaim these three words with his or her own heart and mindset of reason (or lack thereof); a proclamation completely and perfectly new each time it is offered. Uttered daily and nightly by millions, the words are said in an unending array of circumstances: whispered to the newborn in a new mother's arms; shared between best friends on the playground; in the form of sympathy-said by a girl to a boy, as the respect continues but the relationship does not. It is said too loudly by parents to embarrassed children in the company of their friends, and by grown children-to their fading parents in their hospital beds. The words are thought in the company of the photograph and said in the company of the gravestone. It is how we end our phone call and our letters...the words at the bottom of the page that trump all those above it, a way to gracefully finish a message, however important or trivial, with the most meaningful gift of all: the communication of love. And yet the words have been the victims of triviality, a ready replacement for lesser salutations among near strangers, burst forth casually as 'love you.' Truly? To what degree? Why, how much, and for how long? These are questions befitting the stature of love, though not everyday banter of vague acquaintance. The words have also been twisted by the dark nature of deceit; to say 'I love you' with a dramatic measure of synthetic emotion; a snare set by those who prey upon fellow humanity, driven to whatever selfish end, to gain access to another's body, or their money, or their opprotunity. In this realm, the proclamation is disgraced by one seeking to gain rather than to give. In any case, and by whatever inspiration, these words are woven deeply into the fibers of our existence. Our longing to hear them from the right place is maddeningly and simultaneously our finest strength and our most gentle weakness. The album 'I and Love and You' is unashamedly defined by such a dynamic of duality. As living people, we are bound by this unavoidable parallel. We are powerful yet weak, capable yet temporary. Inevitably, an attempt to place honesty within an artistic avenue will follow suuit. This is a piece which shows us as we are: products of love surrounded by struggle. The music herein is, in many ways, readable as both a milestone and an arrival. A chapter in the story of young men, it bridges the space between the uncertainty of youth and the reality of its release. The record is full with the quality of question and response. As far as questions go, there are plenty-normally residing within the tone and delivery of the lyrics themselves, which, ironically, are sung with so much confidence. Among songs and thoughts so driven and purposeful, the most basic and relatable doubt comes through with a resounding clarity. Outside of the eternal theme of romantic love, the album speaks thankfully upon a landscape of light-filled rooms, word-filled pages, time macines, forgivness, singing birds, ocean waves, art, change, confessions of shortcommings, and reasons to continue on. Hope and a cause for smiling follow naturally. In the midst of all this, there are allusions to the less-than-ideal conditions of life: loss of memory, the inability to control temper, insecurity, indecision, jaded indifference, and the general plague of former and current weakness. 'I and Love and You' is an album of obvious human creation, characterized by its best and its worst. Emotional imperfection is a reality for those who recorded the piece, just as for those who will hear it. The conclusion of the song from which the title is taken admits that the words 'I love you' have become 'hard to say.' And perhaps that difficulty is as common as its counterpart. Perhaps the inability to say these heaviest of words is as much a part of life as the lighthearted candor of those who say them without any difficulty at all. And so it ends with the phrase whispered to and by those of us most defeated and most elated....I and love and you.

The Avett Brothers-

4.25.93 our park

when the sounds of the world
crash around my still heart
escape is
my space
silence, birds, roar (upset me)
feelings of solitude
interrupted by harsh obvious realities
clouds, sky, feelings, cry.
enormousity of life
swells around me
good, evil, beautiful
societies press...and press
without the thought of peace.
that is where i am.
kindness, nature, songs, and sky
harsh, mechanical, loud
they all surround me
forming the world where i am.
fly away
sing to me
sleeping
motionless beauty
touch me and soar
around my soul
until yesterday
is tomorrow.

a gaze today

i think i saw you today.
i mean, i did.
what did you need?
to see me?
well, i think i saw you,
seeing me.

nice sweater.
pretty beige.
it looked old,
i mean, classic.
how does this work?

a smile too?
or a smirk at the kid?
eiter way, it looked easy.
i mean, good to know,
i still see beauty.

there was something.
that should have been said.
i just can not remember what.
i saw you looking at me.
it was nice to see,
again.

large mammal

i see an older gentleman at his house every once in a while on my way home from work. he is VERY large...extremly overweight. in the past week i have seen him numerous times laying in his driveway. he is working on things. he lays while he works on his leaf-blower....he lays while he paints his cabinet doors....he lays while he cleans his floormats. it is a sight to see all the things he needs to finish each job all organized neatly around him....paint trays and brushes, cleaners of all kinds, and tools...all within arms reach. i find it a little more than troublesome.

well, today i saw him in his front yard sitting in a chair raking leaves....a perfect rake-length semi-circle surrounding him (not to mention the other circles spaced throughout the yard causing a very crop-circle-like feel). i would like to think that maybe he has a condition other than extreme obesity halting his ability to do simple things....but for some reason, i feel that any condition he has is a direct result of his being a 500+ lb mammal. i have never seen such a thing, and i felt guilty for immediately thinking he needed to, at the VERY least, stand while raking.

ok, now that i have vented, i feel better....and skinnier than ever.

meditative pain transfer

as previously posted in this blog, i was in need of a tattitude adjustment.....and boy did i ever get it!

i went to see billy (my tattoo guru), and told him about my situation. i told him i was there to do a pain transfer...i was there to realease my internal pain caused by the loss of what i thought was my one true love.....but what i found out while being inked was far different an answer than i thought i was looking for.

i was warned by billy, 'if it was anybody else, i would charge an extra hundred bucks because this is a tender area, and you have to take a lot of breaks....i have had people cry.' perfect.....that was why i was there....for the physical pain to absorb the spiritual.

before he started, i closed my eyes and thought about my pain in the loss of my love. i visualized the anguish as a cloud inside me gathering up all the little bits of pain, from wherever they resided in my soul. i felt the cloud growing in mass...darkening like an ominous front tumbling and rolling over my plane. it came from my fingertips and toes, through my body, and out with every exhale...the storm was being released through my pain. i opened my eyes...it was 20 minutes later, and billy was done with the first one. what??? i had felt no pain!! it is NOT supposed to work like that...i needed to pay closer attention. (AND...typically i bleed duing the tat....but not a drop of blood was wiped. strange, i know.)

we changed seating arrangements, got settled into our places, and i closed my eyes being sure to pay attention to the pain. i relaxed my fingers in anticipation of pain. the very fingers that the storm had just rolled...i saw my heart open as the sun and breeze gently disbursed the remaining bits of clouds...i felt life become clearer to me as the light strengthend my vision. i felt my purpose to love in the fiber of my skin and in the clearing of my spirit. and once again, i opened my eyes and he was done. no pain...no blood.

when i walked out of there i was complete. i had found the peace that was missing for so long. i grew into a lighter and wiser creature of spirit....i welcome my need to give of real, honest, open and genuine love....and will keep showing it until i find the one truly ready to return it completly. i had been willing and able to walk a million miles to love and show myself completly, and i walked back an even stronger being.

i am learning every time i love.....and i love to learn!
i am ready to begin my next lesson....
and i am still ready to teach when needed.


(my arms sure did hurt the next day though!)

i am getting a new tattitude.

in previous trials of life i have found a great way for me to overcome spiritual vexes....i tattoo something symbolic on my person as a reminder. i need reminders.

when i look at my most recent tattoos on both forearms (see pic ↑), i am reminded that outward expressions of anger are prohibited....no hitting a pillow, no exercise, no yelling, no 'venting'....those, to me, are just practicing anger. (what happens the day none of your 'release options' are available?) i am MUCH more aware of my feelings and their power over the mind due to my visual reminders. they remind me that in order to be what i believe is truly human, i must know what my anger is about, what part of my soul it comes from, accept it, appreciate it (for it is teaching a lesson in self), and then change it to love as an outward expression. it is difficult sometimes, and i do not always have a completly successful implementation....but i am ALWAYS aware when and where i am not succeeding. it is a great reminder....and it works well for me.

well...it is time (at 6:00 pm central time zone, tomorrow!) for another....two.

the next one(s) is a reminder to stay true to love...no matter what! it is a reminder to stay open with my soul, and never suppress ANY of the love i have to give. it was originally intended to be a symbol for my most recent love, and in order to greet (with a smile) the pain i feel through the demise of said love...i am destined to get it now...for me. for me to accept that my love was not enough last time. for me to remember to never be afraid of loving that wholy again. for me to give to a new love...wherever she may be right now. please do not get me wrong...it meant the world to me not too long ago...but it will mean even more to have it just for me...and then the day i feel safe sharing the meaning of it with a new love...well...that will be the day that i was born to have.

just as i type this i am beginning to feel the thick air rise from my lungs...i am beginning to hear the trees saying beautiful things again...i feel the energy......and i am excited to start my newest journey.....loving.

a willing dupe

a 'dupe' is defined as 'a person who is easily deceived or fooled'. that is me....and it is a wonderful attribute to have...but only if it is willing. it means you believe in people...what they tell you....what they write....how they act.....and how they just are. unless of course they are a mask-wearer and putting on a beautiful show. i have met many, but the most recent put on a EXTRASPECTACULARIFFIC show....the best i have ever seen!

please allow me to share what i have learned in my most recent encounter...in list form, of course.

-i learned that it is worth being yourself even when others are not.

-i learned an equation...

slow reveals of other people's true nature/time + your own giving = pain.

-i learned that as long as you are true to all people (including yourself), then any pain received by fakeness will be dwarfed by the love you were able to give...even if for just a brief moment in time.

-i learned that i am more confident to remain myself and grow at the same time.

-i learned that the signs we see are more of a suggestion than they are law.

-i learned that while i get to remain the real me, the other person gets to live with who they are (which is no prize), or they can change (which is harder than anything they have ever attempted...i would know!).

-i learned that i will still choose my daughter over anything.

-i learned that some people can write beautiful things without being fully aware of how others may perceive them....and how it may affect them.

-i learned that the people that are truly themselves with me are lucky beyond belief, for i have much to offer.

-i learned that i would not take back a second of my unconditional love, even now, knowing that the love returned was given under false pretense.

-i learned that there is much for me to do in this life, and i am going to keep doing it truthfully, respectfully, soulfully, and lovingly.....no matter what.


so...i will gladly be the 'willing dupe' because even when you get hurt you still get to be yourself....not that other lost soul.